When Kids Open Their Mouth

College is far more effective at teaching you philosophies than giving you knowledge. Every class you enter has an ideological bend to it. Heck, it's probably in the title of the class: "wellness studies" and "modern social problems" are the only two I've encountered so far. The word wellness has a whole ideology behind it, and to say that social problems are modern claims that the problems Western Civilization has dealt with for thousands of years are no longer pertain, that the ideologies of today which have not taken full root in society are really evidence of a problem, rather than the entirely made up hopes and dreams that they are. But it's not just the classes that inundate unsuspecting college freshmen with ideologies, it is the students too. I like my solitude when I'm on campus - there are times that at 4pm I realize I haven't opened my mouth aside from saying the mass responses and maybe answering a question in a class. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I am further encouraged to hold fast to my contemplative existence when I do hear kids open their mouth.

My dad always told me that it is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought foolish, than to open it and leave no doubt. If there is one thing college kids know how to do, its how to socialize, and this practical tip has not alluded them. For this reason, they have come up with some code words to see if the person they are talking to is friendly to their ideology. Perhaps some translation will illuminate the way: Asking "what did you do this weekend?" is a clear invitation to recount your partying exploits. The non-drinker is obliged to respond with the bore-butt things he did, for example, "well, I read St. Theresa in the deserted library on Friday night, and did my homework in a deserted library Saturday morning, and made soup and bread in a deserted kitchen on Sunday" clearly signals that you are uninterested in drinking. The initiator of the conversation then saves himself the embarrassment of recounting his exploits and follies to you.

It is entirely appropriate to display your liberal social doctrine openly and no code words are needed to disguise such leanings. But for the conservatives out there, be warned, you must now adopt the code words. It's not as if you really care to be friends with the liberals, but it's a matter of courtesy, lest you offend their subtle dispositions. You must always only hint at conservative doctrines. Perhaps say "well, maybe Plato thinks that there is a truth which isn't socially defined". Take note, you say "maybe" to allow them to spend the next 15 minutes reinforcing their Durkheimian BS, and you also put the blame on Plato. If you need to remain on friendly terms with this person, you can quickly add "but he lived 3000 years ago. Things are different now" when you see their nostrils change shape.

In both of these scenarios, it is crucial that you do not place any confidence in your companion - it is when college students really start to open up to you that it becomes frighting. I think I better let them speak for themselves:

We need to find ways to experience things [drug use, heavy drinking, unsafe sex...] safely. - April

This is a subtle one, but oh so pervasive. College students think that they can have their cake and eat it too. They think that they can party and maintain their respect. That is why one must be so cautious when dealing with people you just met: you could reveal yourself to be who you truly are, and that is usually a pretty ugly image. No, it is best to lie to yourself and don't let any sort of thinking individuals learn enough about you to dispel that. They think that they can party without consequences. They have a wildly innovative way to accomplish this one: you make all the consequences into desirable things. This is why college age kids are so obsessed with destruction. You are "hammered" on Friday night, and you are "fucked" on Saturday morning, and you repeat it again, so that on Monday morning you are "screwed". But these aren't bad things. "Man, I'm screwed" is said with a snicker, and heard with a laugh. "I was hammered" is said with only a trace of self-remorse, and heard with curiosity. It is an entirely desirable thing to be "hammered", "fucked" and "screwed", and your friends are only going to support you along the way. After taking the same "wellness" class I took, April was forced to realize that drugs, sex and whatever else the kids do these days is bad for you. She couldn't cloud it in their escapist language anymore, so she went back to square one: how do we live without consequences?

I was surprised when I read that "at current rates, half of all young people [in the U.S.] will acquire an STD by age 25." Those rates are huge, and even though it would be a little exaggerated, I think, to say that every other person we sleep with will have an STD, it's still something to imagine so that we remember to use condoms and practice other methods of safe sex. - Jason

I find this fallacy most frighting: the sorts of kids who don't even bother to disguise the consequences, but try to conquer them. It's almost humorous in Jason's example: so your on the bed, ready to have sex with a gal, ready to make two bodies one, ready to make an unbreakable bond with her, and the thought crosses your mind "well, maybe she's got an STD?". Maybe she is just as promiscuous as I am? Maybe this means as little to her as it does to me! So what do you do? Do you tell the chick that you gotta put on a condom. No doubt she'll reply "I'm on the pill", and then you have to tell her that you have suspicion shes the town bicycle. Doesn't that offend a girl? Doesn't that make her think "if he thinks every other girl he sleeps with has an STD, what kind of girls does he sleep with?" That goes beyond having two or three serious girlfriends and leaves no doubt that he likes sex, not you.

The drugs and alcohol self-quiz was a good one for me to assess myself. I found that I have a strong likelihood of hazardous or harmful alcohol consumption. College is definitely a reason this score is so high; also, I just turned 21 a few months ago, so I’m still just enjoying being 21. I know drinking isn’t good for many reasons; however, after college, I will have to be serious for the rest of my life, so I figure I might as well have fun while I still can.

And lastly, when finding a way to make the problem desirable doesn't work, and you can't just forget about your stupidity, blame it on "college". You see kids walking around with shirts that just have that word on it, as if the word itself is an ideology, just like "wellness" and "modern". She doesn't blame her foolish actions on herself, she blames them on college, being of age and, the whopper of all college falsities, the idea that she'll live a boring life. I played 2 sets at the Dakota Jazz Club, and now I'm studying to be an insurance actuary: that is an example of going on to live a boring life. Most college age kids have been drinking since the 10th grade, and after a high school and college of drinking think that they are going to stop the day the graduate. It doesn't happen like that! You are the person you are: you are a drinker. But the number of kids who think that truth exists can be weeded out by saying "what did you do this weekend?", and then you'll never have to know.